A Politician's PA System

Sorensen Sez – by Jim Sorensen

Jim Sorensen wit comes out in this article – Politician’s PA System will certainly make you laugh.

So here it is time for the politicians to trot out the noise. By an interesting coincidence, we’re in the “noise business” so comment on these games is perfectly in order.

Now we’re all familiar with the three elements of the American Standard 3-Way Loudspeaker; the Woofer, the Squawker, and the Tweeter. Of course we don’t use “Squawker” so much anymore because it’s too reminiscent of “some people.”

I left out “Cross-over Network” as much too slippery a political slope.

I was thinking of adding the “Thumper” to the list in place of “sub-woofer” but got a letter from the ASPSNR which is the American Society for the Prevention of Stupid Names for Rabbits. (They carry a lot more weight than you might think and I do a lot of government work. It gets harey.) (Snort, Chortle, Laugh)

Anyway, what with all the blasting, bleating, whining, shiveying, quoting, mis-quoting, orating, berating, extolling, expounding, and just general blathering I must confess that it’s hard to design a loud-speaking system that is specifically for politicians.

So I set up some design criteria:

1. It has to be portable, sometimes really quickly. It should know when to move on.org.
2. It has to be expandable and collapsible. You need to be able to expand or retract out of all normal sense of proportion.
3. It should have a microphone that lets the person using it talk out of both sides of their mouth.
4. There should be a switch that selects far-left, left, right, or far-right. There should be a side-chain for middleof- the-road, too.
5. A variable and switchable “moderate” control is a must.
6. It must be able to switch positions instantly.
7. The side-chain must have a polarity reverse switch.
8. It should have “Press” outputs. Unbalanced, of course.
9. I only needs to last until November and can be thrown away. You’ll never be able to clean it.

Next quarter’s article will be on correct uses of ear-plugs / noise suppression devices and methods including sticking your fingers in your ears while loudly screaming the National Anthem.

I’m saving the piece on Rubber Boots for November.

Remember: Vote Early and Vote Often! (Richard J. Daley, 1966)